Shows that make me feel awkward: The Real Housewives of Where-the-eff-ever

This will be a new, recurring series from me on this blog. A lot of shows make me feel awkward.

The Real Housewives of where the eff ever is certainly one of them.

It's like the Mad Real World actually happened!...except they don't live in the same house. Just work with me here.

For the most part, I don't enjoy reality TV. The fourth wall becomes a problem (the reality stars become famous and they aren't interesting anymore because they're famous and just walk around and do famous people stuff, which is, for the most part, pretty uninteresting). The directors either have to embrace that and run with it to make the show as absurd as possible (the Jersey Shore route) or just let it go as long as you can stand.

The real reason I can't stand this show is that there's nothing going on. These women work a lot but the show turns into gossip and being catty. It's not interesting to me. I suppose it's not supposed to be since I'm a dude.

I will say this about the shows, though: there are two that have (had) something going for them.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta is interesting because it really does flip the usual reality show casting for major TV networks on its head: four black women and one white chick. I'm not trying to be too racial over here but it's the truth. You just don't see that on a major network and the social dynamic would be interesting if I could watch the damn show, but I just can't. Too awkward.

The other show that is (was) interesting was the Real Housewives of New Jersey. These women were craaaaaaazy.

New Jersey gave us a famous reality TV moment when this woman in the picture just raged in this fancy restaurant and damn near flipped the table. Seeing her go from zero to rage was awesome, just like the lady laughing in the background.

GUIDETTE SMAAAASH!

But the rest of the show, to me at least, is forgettable. And it makes me feel awkward. 

Women Have Always Been Funny

Why is it such a Big Hairy Deal that Bridesmaids was hilarious? In the reviews this week, I have read nothing but comments saying that this movie proved women can be raunchy, silly, funny, and ridiculous and pull it off. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but haven't women always been funny? Do I need to cite evidence?

First of all, Maya Rudolph & Kristen Wiig have been funny for a longgg time. But let's also consider: Debra Messing, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, (both writers of things funny and probably the only good writers save Seth Meyers that SNL has seen in awhile), Ana Geyster, Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, Gilda Radner, Sarah Silverman, Chelsea Handler, Ellen DeGeneres, Margaret Cho, Whitney Cummings, Janeane Garofalo, Lisa Kudrow, Natasha Leggero, Mindy Kaling, Amy Sedaris... and the list goes on.

See also: countless women I know in real life who crack me up on a daily basis.

But no, you know what? You're right. Women aren't funny. So thank God for this movie.

Sarcasm aside, I loved it. The movie had some very real moments, in addition to being laugh out loud funny. Wiig was brilliant - especially in the scene on the plane with her Ethel Merman voice and prescription drug fueled crazy rant "It's called civil rights, this is the 90s!" - and in the sequence of silly things she does to try and get the hot Irish cop's attention "Hey who's driving that car?!" So if this movie serves as a notice to the people who have been living under a rock that women are indeed funny... then well, that's fantastic.

Stuff I thought while listening to my sister's mix CD

I just got off the road after about an hour's drive in my sister's car. She lets me drive her whip. It's pretty tight. 

While I have a good time driving, I also get my fill of music that I usually ignore-mainly female pop singers. I don't have anything against female pop singers but it's just not what I usually listen to.

Two songs stood out more than others: Taylor Swift's 'Dear John' and Ke$ha's 'Blow.'

'Hey, I'm going to write a song bashing you in a little while. Just a heads up.'

Dear John: So it turns out that John Mayer and Swift dated for a while and it ended up going all wrong.  I'll give you a moment to let this shock set in again. Seriously, who ends up dating this guy and thinking it's going to go well? At this point, if you're thinking about entering a serious relationship with John Mayer, you probably ought to save yourself the trouble, rent some chick flicks and down a pint of triple chocolate Häagen-Dazs and cry your eyes out.

Some people have called this song the country version of Tupac's 'Hit 'Em Up' but the comparison is completely unfounded. To even approach 'Hit 'Em Up' status, Taylor would have had to add at least 45 seconds of hate-filled yelling to the end, including like 20 seconds of unbridled rage where she mentions some kind of physical harm. It would need to go something like this:

"Oh yeah, John, I heard that you were trying to date Jennifer Anniston again. That's great. Go back to the desperate crowd. At this point in your shameful career, that's the only kinda woman you're going to be able to end up dating. When's the last time you came out with an album anyway? In five years, you're going to be trying to pick up bar floozies in Omaha while I'll be hitting the prime of my career. Don't call me for a loan.

IF I EVER SEE YOU HANGING AROUND ANOTHER OF MY CONCERTS IT'S GOING TO BE OVER WITH. MY .44 MAKES SURE ALL YOUR KIDS DON'T GROW (ok, I lifted that directly from Pac, but that was just for good measure)."

One of few internet pictures of Ke$ha with all her clothes on....hopefully.

 Blow: I have to salute Ke$ha. She's staying in her lane as far as her career goes because she's not as vocally talented as other pop stars in her genre. Her solution: staying trashy.

Ke$ha is the chick in high school that you could take under the bleachers at a JV basketball game for some heavy petting.

She can also make a little fun of herself. Take this mid-track exchange with James VanDerBeek for example:

Ke$ha: James VanDerDouche.

VanDerBeek: I don't appreciate you SlanderBeek-ing my last name, Ke-dollar sign-ha.

Well done, Ke$ha and Dawson. Well done.

Reality: the NBA fixes games

Paul Pierce's 'two techs in the fourth quarter' face.

So Paul Pierce got ejected from Game 1 of the East Semis for two technicals.

Both of those technicals came in the fourth quarter. The first came after Mike Miller got a flagrant foul against Pierce and there was some kind of face-butting incident (that's what it's being called on the dang Twitter and that reminds me of that South Park where Cartman can't laugh at anything anymore after seeing the people with butts on their faces). The second came two-ish minutes later when Pierce set a forceful screen on Dwyane Wade then said something to the ref. Probably not the smartest thing to say something to the ref, but it didn't look like he said anything too extreme to the ref. Good job by the ABC cameraman to stay way far out on Pierce so we couldn't see what he said. Really. Awesome job, guys.

Things like these two technical fouls are the kinds of things that...erm...just seem to happen in the NBA playoffs. These funny calls. The discrepancies in team fouls (last round, game 5 of the San Antonio-Memphis series, team fouls: San Antonio 18, Memphis 28 (at one point, it was 9-21....come on)).

Now, back to tonight's game: the ejection and the flagrant foul were clear signs to me that the powers that be wanted the Heat to take this game, and to do so in convincing fashion because in reality, this is THE series of the 2011 Playoffs. It just is.

But really, what makes for a better story than this game for garnering interest in the rest of the series? D. Wade dropped 38? Pierce got tossed?!?!?! Whoa, this series isn't going to be the one-sided stomping that it really ought to be after all! We've gotta watch game two!


I'm usually not a big proponent for accusing referees of pushing a series in favor of one team or another, but the NBA is an exception. Take this quote from former NBA referee Tim Donaghy in his book Blowing the Whistle from this article on Deadspin.

"In the pregame meeting prior to Game 6, the league office sent down word that certain calls — calls that would have benefitted the Lakers — were being missed by the referees. This was the type of not-so-subtle information that I and other referees were left to interpret. After receiving the dispatch, Bavetta openly talked about the fact that the league wanted a Game 7.

'If we give the benefit of the calls to the team that's down in the series, nobody's going to complain. The series will be even at three apiece, and then the better team can win Game 7,' Bavetta stated.

As history shows, Sacramento lost Game 6 in a wild come-from-behind thriller that saw the Lakers repeatedly sent to the foul line by the referees. For other NBA referees watching the game on television, it was a shameful performance by Bavetta's crew, one of the most poorly officiated games of all time."

I can't say for sure that a fix was on tonight, but it sure felt like it.