A Mash-up for Your Monday

CW: I stumbled across this on one of my favorite websites of all time called Fark. It's a link site that gives you all these different new stories with user-submitted headlines that are generally funny. It also has message boards for each news story so you can discuss and generally poke fun. Deena from the Jersey Shore would say it's a good time.

This is a mash-up of John Lennon's "Imagine" and Van Halen's "Jump". It fits squarely into the category of "wtf, this mash-up is never going to work" but it does in a funny way that you wouldn't see coming.

Enjoy.


Imagine-a-jump-john-lennon-vs.-van-halen by jackstanleywp

Bridesmaids

This movie is coming out in May. Looks to be a romantic (?) comedy about a wedding that might not suck - shocker! An anti-chick flick, in the best way. The Hangover for girls, perhaps? I'm in.

The Bachelor Recap: LB is disappointed, CW isn't surprised.

We should first note that CW did not in fact watch the show. His manliness is still intact as he was forced to take home work last night that begged his attention more than ABC's phoniness.

LB: Ever since I heard a rumor that Brad picks Chantal, I was rooting for her. I wish I hadn't heard it beacuse I definitely got attached...I like that she's not perfect, but seemed perfect for him.
CW: Hold the phone. You got attached to a contestant on the Bachelor? That's your first mistake.
LB: I did. My name is LB and I got attached to a Bachelor contestant.
CW: Hi LB.
CW: When did you hear this rumor? Please tell me you didn't hear this at the start and rooted for her from the very start, when there are like 30 women throwing themselves at this guy.
LB: Yes, I heard it before the first episode. But she's been doing well all season (obviously since she made it to the end). So I had reason to believe she'd make it. Seemed like Brad was taking the easy way by going with the most beautiful woman. It's the most obvious choice. It makes you wonder if she's really right for him, or if he just couldnt bring himself to not pick the prettiest girl. I liked Chantal, not because she was the most perfect girl on the show. She definitely wasn't. If I had to pick the most laid back girl she wouldn't have been it. She was the first one to tell Brad she loved him. She was sure of him from the get-go. She's at the right age and right time in her life to get married. She's 28 I think. Emily, on the other hand, seems desperate for a Dad for her daughter. She's only 24. They're 14 years apart. Before her last date wtih Brad she said she hoped this would be her last day as a single girl...Uhh ok, but shouldn't your focus be on the guy, not on being coupeld rather than single?
CW: So wait a minute, you're telling me that this guy picked a younger, hotter girl? I'm shocked.
LB: Gag. Way to be a predictable male. Really showing your character there, bro.
CW: I think you should be happy that your girl didn't get picked. He's the Bachelor, not Characters R' Us. I think that it's just complete madness to have this show set up the way it is. You have 25 steamy women just absolutely throwing it at one guy. He's in paradise.
LB: And he's not allowed to tell them he loves them. Because that's completely fair. I think a more realistic show would involve equal numbers of men and women. Technically that show exists, it's called Bachelor Pad.
But it's more of a dramariffic sex romp than a realistic search for love.
CW: That just sounds like it'd be fightland.
LB: Exactly.
CW: YOU SLEPT WITH THE SAME GIRL THAT I SLEPT WITH, BRO??? Aaaaaand fight!
LB: I LIKED HIM FIRST UGHHH!
CW: But seriously, be glad for your girl Chantal
LB: I am, ultimately. Apparently she's got a smokin' hot new dude. Who hasn't sold his balls to ABC. So that's a plus.
CW: Having balls is a plus. But be glad for Chantal that she isn't the wife of 'The Bachelor.' First off, your whole dating experience is documented on TV for everyone to watch. There are things there you probably don't want posterity to see. There's also a degree of separation from the show that comes with being that last one. She can swear the whole thing off and have her hands clean because she got burned. Plus, unlike Brad and Blondie, Chantal will have the chance to fade from the spotlight. Blondie, on the other hand, will have her love to her broadcasted beau scrutinized at every turn. That's just not really pleasant. I think that's the biggest problem that I have with this show: the way it's set up, I think that any resulting relationship stands a good chance of crashing and burning.
LB: Agreed.

The Bachelor - Emily vs. Chantal

Emily vs. Chantal

Tonight is the finale of The Bachelor. CW has never watched the show, but I have watched the whole season (for some reason.) So we decided he should watch it for the first time tonight. That way our recap will have two very different sides.

I can't defend my desire to watch the Bachelor - I am fully aware that it is junk TV at it's finest, and of course I don't believe that TV is the best way to find love. The concept that a house full of 20+ women would all coincidentally want the same man before even meeting him is bogus but I still find it entertaining.

This is like a sport for girls (and some guys I know who shall remain nameless) - predicting who will make it in to the top eight, the final 4, and of course the "winner." Right before the season started, I heard a radio show interview with this season's bachelor, Brad Womack. The host said he'd heard that Brad had chosen Chantal - who is in the Final Two.

Chantal's competitor (I'm going to keep using sports terms to point out the ludicrousness of all of this) is sweet, perfect Emily, who as one girl said "is like Mother Theresa." The girl doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She may be too perfect for a clearly flawed Brad. I have a hard time imagining a relationship between them because when they're shown together, he spends most of his time just being ga-ga over her. They don't talk about much and don't seem to have true chemistry. Brad just realizes that this may be the most beautiful woman he'll ever have a chance to be with, and being a man, he can't help but go for it.

Marriage is the end goal here, though - not "find the prettiest woman and get her." If we're going to go with the best long-term person, Chantal may be the best bet. She is imperfect. She's divorced. She's pretty, but not model pretty. She's got a great bod - but she's definitely not a skinny minny. And to top it off she and Brad have obvious chemistry. She's the Every Woman, if there is such a thing in this scenario.

So, will it be Miss Perfect or the Every Woman? My money is still on Chantal. And I'll stop defending my desire to watch this show now and say that I will undoubtedly be in suspense until the last inconveniently timed commercial.

I'm Ready for No NFL Season

There's a certain difficulty that comes along with buying a sports jersey.

You want to find just the right one; one that not too many people have, but a jersey that people will see and recognize that player as a good one. You want someone who is under contract for a while, so you don't have to run out and buy another one. You want a jersey of someone who is going to play hard.

I had picked Dallas' Jay Ratliff. He fits all the parameters. I was pumped to get his jersey.

It looks like I'll be waiting at least a year to buy that jersey now. As it stands , I really don't think there's going to be an NFL season.

NFL owners want the players to give up $800 million annually because the league is operating an unsustainable business model. The players don't want to play 18 games and they want better benefits after they're done playing football.

The current deadline for a new deal is today. There has to be some kind of progress by this evening, whether it's an extension to the deadline, a new collective bargaining agreement or decertification of the players union, which allow players to sue their teams as individuals and effectively cancel the 2011 NFL season.

Instead of growing closer, the two sides are growing further apart according to this article.

It's all phony. The owners want more money than what they're already making, which is ridiculous. They've already denied making their books public (except the Green Bay Packers, who have always made their books public) which makes me think that there's some shady stuff going on in those books. Major League Baseball teams opened up their books and there was some shady business going on according to the Washington Post.

After money comes player safety, both in the league and in these discussions. Despite Roger Goodell's attempt to make the league safer--while also pushing for more games, which mean more chances for a player to get injured--the average number of injuries per team per game went up from 3.2 in 2009 to 3.7 in 2010. In any other year, that number might not be as significant. Still, Goodell was pushing to make the league safer but ultimately made it more dangerous. Also, if those numbers stand true, you're going to have seven more player injuries if the league goes to 18 games. That's a significant point of contention because if players are going to subject themselves to more injuries, they're going to demand more money for their increased health risk and they're going to demand better benefits after they leave the NFL.

There's just no risk for the owners right now. They signed an absurd TV deal that guarantees them $4 billion for the 2011 season even if game one isn't played. That could potentially cripple FOX, CBS, ESPN, NBC and any other network that depends on the NFL for its viewership. Vegas is going to take a major hit and websites will lose thousands and thousands of site views.

Either the owners realize that they're going to make a little less money in this whole thing and sign a new collective bargaining agreement or the 2011 NFL season isn't going to happen.

That's why my Jay Ratliff jersey will probably have to wait. I'm not wearing a Jay Ratliff jersey when there's no NFL season.

Who the Hell is This Movie For?

Have you ever seen any of the Ice Age movies?

I own the first two. I couldn't tell you where they are, but at one point I had them.

I can tell you for sure that I had them at college because they got borrowed a bit. They were fairly popular movies: they made their rounds among my friends at a fair clip. Whenever they returned, they'd come with a compliment like "man, I love that squirrel just trying to get his nut" (which was immediately followed with laughter) or "haven't seen that one in forever and it's still funny."

The truth is I could watch the movie today and I'd laugh. It's just funny. That squirrel, Scrat, is just funny to me. Whoever animated that little sucker has some talent. Anybody who can be funny--really funny--without using words is hustling. That's hard work.

This weekend, I got the chance to go see Rango, the new movie starring--which begs the 'how does one star in an animated movie' question--Johnny Depp, and I left wondering: was that really a kid's movie?

First off, look at the lizard himself. That is one butt-ugly lizard, far fetched from a cute little Woody (get your mind out of the gutter) or any other star of a popular kids movie. That lizard isn't supposed to be made into an action figure. That lizard is supposed to be a character--with flaws. Butt-ugly flaws.

What clenches it for me as an adults-first movie is the language. Within four or five minutes, Rango is talking about a moment where the protagonist needs to be thrust into something or other. When I was six, I didn't know what a protagonist was. I still have problems. Fucking anti-heroes. The script is littered with language that would fly over a six-year old's head.

One even managed to get over my head. In the desert, Rango comes across a man who looks like Clint Eastwood, has awards like Clint Eastwood and was voiced by Clint Eastwood. Rango asks Eastwood, "Am I in heaven?" Eastwood replies: "If I'm not eating pop tarts with Kim Novak, this ain't heaven."

I didn't need to know who Kim Novak was to know that was funny. A quick Google Image Search let me know that she was a pin-up model from when there were pin-up models. Clint has good taste in women. And in food too. MMMMMM pop tarts!

Let me say this about Rango: many have tried to make a kids movie with adult audiences in mind. Kids will laugh at anything. They're an easy audience and butts will be in seats at anything less than PG-13. Rango is the first movie to go the other direction: squeeze an adult script into a kids movie. They succeeded.