Reggie Bush is Soft

Only Kim Kardashian hits harder than Shelden Brown.

So yesterday's post ended up being completely bogus.

After I hit 'publish post' on this thing, I compressed two weeks' worth of draft studying into about three hours. I was like Mel Kiper Jr. lite. Or at least on all the positions that the Cowboys needed.

I ended up watching through pick 13ish and listening to the rest on Sirius. Here are some thoughts.

• Von Miller ugly cried when he got picked second. Somewhere, Ron Ron was giving him a slow clap.
• Cam Newton is excited to play for the Camolina Camthers. Cam!
• I thought the Falcons made a gangsta move until I realized how much they gave up to get Julio Jones. Ouch. The Browns could be building some stairs out of the AFC North basement.
• The Lions have the nastiest front line in football. Somewhere, Jay Cutler is already on crutches.
• I shouldn't be allowed to tweet during these things. The tweet that followed the Jake Locker pick at 8 was a little something like this: lololoolololololollolololololololoooololooololololololooool!!!!!
• Any time you can take the 45th best player in the draft at 12 (Christian Ponder to the Vikings), you just gotta do it.
• The Ravens committed a draft faux pas in passing on their pick. They still got their man but still. Awkwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

But I want to talk about Reggie Bush.

Last night, the Saints drafted Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram. The guy is just awesome and he was the best running back in the draft. Everyone makes the obvious comparison to Emmitt Smith (the number, the not quite top-end speed....we can only hope he has the complete lack of broadcasting prowess that Smith had) and I think Ingram could have a similar career, even though the days of a true one-back offense are over.

Bush acknowledged the pick with the following tweet: "It's been fun New Orleans."

This is why I've always hated Reggie Bush. He's not tough, mentally or physically. He's not going to run between the tackles. He's not going to stay in bounds and fight for more yards. He's not the guy you want to give the ball to late in the fourth quarter with the game on the line. He's a slot receiver that lines up in the backfield.

Instead of challenging Ingram for the running back spot, Bush gave it up faster than Kim Kardashian on the first date.

The Saints owe Bush almost $12 million dollars this next season. That's not happening.

At least they'll have a running back that can break tackles against NFL defenders now.

Tacklers like this one are the only ones that Bush could ever break free from anyway.

The Draft is Tonight? What?

One of the most hilarious things to keep an eye on during the NFL draft that isn't a Brady Quinn-esque slide or the Jets fans' reactions is the offensive linemen in suits. It's great. You don't have to be a body language specialist to tell how uncomfortable they are. They'd rather be sweaty and stinky in a cutoff t-shirt than in some hideous three-piece suit that took a square mile of cloth to make.

Raiders guard Robert Gallery on draft day....

.....and Gallery not on draft day.
This man should never have to wear a suit. Ever.

They're just not comfortable, hilariously so. And they shouldn't be: the profession they're about to enter requires them to be freaking huge and maul people regularly. Those guys don't wear suits.


I'm not so excited to watch the draft this year though.

It's not for a lack of huge, uncomfortable-looking dudes in suits (if only the NFL guys could have the horrible fashion sense of the NBA drafts. THAT would be entertainment).

I can't make myself care.

That really sucks because usually, I can't get enough of the draft. It's really like Christmas morning for your football team because the head coaches get all new presents to play with. This year's haul is going to suck for a few reasons:

1. Not having free agency between the end of the season and the draft handcuffed a few teams going into the draft. If there really isn't a difference-maker in the draft at a position of need, a team could address that need in free agency. You might see more teams addressing needs in the draft instead of taking the best available. That sucks! What about taking a flier on a wide receiver in the late rounds instead of drafting another backup lineman? Booooooooooooring.
2. I still hate the three-day draft format. The NFL fighting Thursday night TV is stupid. It's going to get slaughtered in the ratings tonight by the Office finale, tomorrow because of the royal wedding and on Saturday because it's the crap rounds of the draft and I'd rather be doing something else. (I wonder if Mel Kiper Jr. or one of the Beefeaters smiles first. I'll take the Beefeaters.)
3. Cam Newton is going first, which will guarantee Cam Newton a longer run on ESPN. Cam Newton will see even more coverage when Cam Newton has to give back the Heisman because Cam Newton took money, when Cam Newton doesn't get along with Cam Newton's players at training camp and when Cam Newton doesn't pan out as a pro. Cam Newton.

I'm going to tune in for a while for my team's pick, but that's it. It's really a shame considering what the draft used to be: two glorious days of sports mega-dorkery.

I'll go into my team a little bit. If you aren't interested, don't scroll past this unintentionally hilarious picture of Jerry Jones.

Jerruh has a little captain in him.

There are three big positions of need: right tackle, defensive end and safety. I'd say safety is the worst, but there's nobody there who really fits the bill at pick nine. We might try later but at that point, what's the difference in giving that guy a run and Akwasi Owusu-Ansah, the safety we drafted last year (I spelled that without looking it up. I should win something.). I don't think the Cowboys would sink that much money into a 3-4 defensive end unless that guy from Auburn slipped to us (this is how much I've prepared for the draft, I can't name a top 10 pick). I bet we go offensive tackle. That's a lot of money to sink into a right tackle as Free looks to have the left side locked up. If we take a corner, I'm breaking something because that's three first-round cornerbacks in the draft. That's awful. If Ras-I Dowling were to slip to us in the second round, I say go for it.

The 10th Level of Dorkdom: Fantasy Baseball

Fantasy dorks and basements go together like regular dorks and.....basements.

I'm in three fantasy baseball leagues this year. That's down from a max of five last year or the year before. I can't remember when it was, I just remember that I got a lot of weird looks when I told people how many leagues I was in. Add that to three fantasy football leagues, a postseason fantasy football league, a college football bowl pool and like two March Madness brackets. There were maybe 2 weeks in February when I wasn't in some sports-related competition. I spent those two weeks studying for fantasy baseball.

That was the height of my fantasy sports dorkdom. The sad thing is that I still kinda stink at it. I've averaged about 3 leagues in the past 4 or so years and I might have won one. Maybe.

I could get all sappy and say it's not all about the winning, that it's about drinking beers and talking baseball with a bunch of friends.

Fuck that. I want to win. And I'm ready to go to new highs of dorkdom to do it. (Highs? Lows? You get the point.)

I'm going to abide by the common courtesy rules here: no fantasy sports stories that last more than 30 seconds unless it's insanely rare.

I'm in fourth in one league after a rough start and in second in the one I really want to win, an auction league. I have two good, young pitchers that I bought for one dollar. I'm in a good spot.

Not as high-tech as the other fantasy dorks, but still dorky.

Is this a warning shot across the bows of the traditional FLS (Free Lance-Star, my former employer and workplace of fantasy savants) fantasy sports powers?

You bet. I'm gunning for you.

I'm coming for the fantasy dork crown.

Jersey Shore Gone "Wilde"

This was too funny not to share.