O No, Canada! PLUS a write your own caption contest

So Wednesday night's Stanley Cup Game 7 was the last sports game I'm going to really care about--not including the Gold Cup--until the EPL starts up again. I think that's in August before college football (I'm not banking on any NFL preseason and I'd only care about that if there were a training camp that I could follow and see how the younger guys were doing in a game situation. I hate you NFL. I hate you so much.)

Game 7 was awesome, like all the rest of the NHL playoffs. You had the national anthems being sung and that big mulleted Canadian singer dude doing the old 'let's let the crowd sing this one' gag that was kinda cool the first time but this time it's pretty lame how he's just hanging out down there on the ice and basking in everyone else singing. Skip to 19 seconds for the douche chill.

 

 

Welp, Vancouver lost 4-0 and 4-3 in the series. Luongo was garbage enough to completely overshadow how garbage the Sedin twins were.

So what was there to do for Vancouverians? Riot. Let's burn our city to the ground because we lost a hockey game.That always ends well.

THIS..IS..VANCOUVAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I get that hockey is Canada's game. Really, I do.

But rioting is not like you, Canada. It's not a hockey thing to do. You act like a man and get on with it.

Write your own caption contest!

Some of these rioting pictures were awesome. I'm going to put one of them up and let you all write your own caption. The winner will be mentioned in an individual post and I'll even write a haiku about you in some form. All the entries will be in the comments below. Have fun, ya hosers!

Down Yonder at Bonnaroo

This past Wednesday, in the wee hours of the morning, a group of brave Richmonders embarked on a road trip to one of the country's largest music festivals: Bonnaroo. Blessed with a killer campsite complete with shade (gasp!) and close proximity to the festival grounds, all were ready for a weekend filled with a memorable musical medley. The festival itself was dusty, hot and HUGE, but as far as music goes, it was an embarrassment of riches. While I know my fellow campers will have their own picks, here are my choices for the best performances I saw.

Freelance Whales

1. Freelance Whales - This crew put on a fantastic show - they are the little band that could. They had an endearing sense of appreciation for the audience and the opportunity to play at Bonnaroo and really delivered. Highlights included the well known (thanks to a Starbucks commercial) "Generator First Floor," and "Starring" and ending the set with "Generator Second Floor." Their simultaneously ethereal and uplifting sound has stuck with me the most and as a result this is the band I'm most excited to go see again.

2. Arcade Fire - Forgive me for my hippie language - but this was totally epic. The whole performance was a tour de force, the seven band members pounded out their songs with endless energy and purpose. The final three songs were the highlight for me. The closing trio began with a rousing "Rebellion (Lies)" followed by a truly moving delivery of "Wake Up." It really struck me in that moment that a huge crowd (80,000 just at this show, the festival reported) were all together for a positive purpose, just enjoying the music. Looking out over the silhouettes of people back lit by the stage lights with this anthem bellowing from the stage was truly beautiful. See the first minute of the video above to get an idea of what I mean. They wrapped the show up with a joyful rendition of "Sprawl II."

3. Ray LaMontagne - This was the third time I saw him and he continues to give stellar, tight performances with a mixture of both old and new favorites. He spiced it up with a few covers including one from Merle Haggard, which made seeing him a third time more interesting. His voice on "Repo Man" and "God Willing" really exhibited his pipes and proved they can carry more than just a raspy barnyard tune, but truly be a soulful vocal presence. Much credit also goes to his "Pariah Dogs" band, who compliment his voice with atmosphere-setting features like the pedal steel guitar.

4. Mumford & Sons - Truly a Cinderella story from their last Bonnaroo to this one. This band acknowledged the role the festival had played in their success and they proved that all of it was deserved. If you haven't listened to them yet, I don't know what's wrong with you - but check out one of their hits. Also probably the dreamiest band ever, a sentiment echoed by every girl I was there with.

5. Robyn - You may think you've never heard of her, but you have! The two-hit wonder circa 1998 ("Show Me Love", anyone?) has come back as a dance pop goddess. I got to hear my two favorites "Dancing on My Own" & "Hang With Me" so I was a happy camper. 

Runners-up: Black Keys - and put on a great show full of energy and excitement. Eminem also brought his all to his first live performance since returning from rehab and putting out the Recovery album.

Also seen: Explosions in the Sky, Old Crow Medicine Show, Lil Wayne, Girl Talk, The Walkmen, Bassnectar, Scissor Sisters.

Wish I'd seen: Pretty Lights. I heard nothing but raves about this performance. It was the first night of the festival and I was so tired I couldn't stay up for the 2 AM show, but I definitely wish I had.

All in all a great experience for music lovers with eclectic taste, it seems the festival has taken its reputation for being a jam band fest to representing multiple genres. While the musical spectrum has broadened, the event is still predominately populated by "hippies." I was happy to join them.

The Shore is sucking me back in

Did everyone see the pictures of Snooki that came out this week after her accident? I'll throw one up just to be sure.

Snooki to self in mirror after putting this look together: "Short shorts, fur boots and neckbrace....NAILED IT!"

Ridiculous sunglasses, fur boots and short shorts aside, the neck brace really does make Snooki's head look like it's floating and not part of her body. I can't wait to see her running around Italy with that thing on.

And there it is. The Shore has me again.

Toward the end of last season, I was done. Ronnie and Sammi constantly bickered and had run the show into the ground, making the show damn near unwatchable. But stuff like this neck brace is why we keep coming back to the Jersey Shore. It's ridiculous. It's funny and the characters are mostly likable.

I think MTV realized that they dragged us through a nearly unbearable sequence of fights between Ronnie and Sammi last year. Those were only entertaining if Ron Ron ended up sobbing afterwards.

That was brutal. It got a little frightening because in a few of those fights you ended up wondering if there was going to be any physical violence against Sammi. Ronnie wasn't the master of self control and she kept on getting into his face and yelling at him. I guess those fights are what we get for Ron being really entertaining in Miami by hooking up with tons of girls while being hammered (high?) and making Sammi think it was all her fault. It was an evil genius move. 

From the photos that have been released and the other stories I've heard, this show is going to be insane and not insanely . Snooki crashes her car into a cop car. Deena almost fell off a bridge into the River Arno. And finally, what we've all been waiting for, Sitch got his ass beat by Ron Ron.

Despite being mauled, Sitch still lifted up his shirt to show his abs to photographers.

This is why the Jersey Shore fans keep coming back: it's all ridiculous. It's insanely entertaining in just being mindless fun and that's what they got away from last season.

That being said, Ron Ron and Sammi are both in Italy. I don't know their current relationship status. I don't know if they can be friendly (how could you be friendly after all that?). I certainly think that living in the same house would be the best....erm.....situation.

An interesting thing that a friend brought up: what if someone gets deported? You know the Italian government is itching to get the Jersey Shore cast out as soon as possible. If Sammi or Ronnie gets into a fight into public, I could imagine some trumped up charges that would result in deportation.

You know Ron's gonna cry if he gets deported.

Shows that make me feel awkward: The Real Housewives of Where-the-eff-ever

This will be a new, recurring series from me on this blog. A lot of shows make me feel awkward.

The Real Housewives of where the eff ever is certainly one of them.

It's like the Mad Real World actually happened!...except they don't live in the same house. Just work with me here.

For the most part, I don't enjoy reality TV. The fourth wall becomes a problem (the reality stars become famous and they aren't interesting anymore because they're famous and just walk around and do famous people stuff, which is, for the most part, pretty uninteresting). The directors either have to embrace that and run with it to make the show as absurd as possible (the Jersey Shore route) or just let it go as long as you can stand.

The real reason I can't stand this show is that there's nothing going on. These women work a lot but the show turns into gossip and being catty. It's not interesting to me. I suppose it's not supposed to be since I'm a dude.

I will say this about the shows, though: there are two that have (had) something going for them.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta is interesting because it really does flip the usual reality show casting for major TV networks on its head: four black women and one white chick. I'm not trying to be too racial over here but it's the truth. You just don't see that on a major network and the social dynamic would be interesting if I could watch the damn show, but I just can't. Too awkward.

The other show that is (was) interesting was the Real Housewives of New Jersey. These women were craaaaaaazy.

New Jersey gave us a famous reality TV moment when this woman in the picture just raged in this fancy restaurant and damn near flipped the table. Seeing her go from zero to rage was awesome, just like the lady laughing in the background.

GUIDETTE SMAAAASH!

But the rest of the show, to me at least, is forgettable. And it makes me feel awkward. 

Women Have Always Been Funny

Why is it such a Big Hairy Deal that Bridesmaids was hilarious? In the reviews this week, I have read nothing but comments saying that this movie proved women can be raunchy, silly, funny, and ridiculous and pull it off. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but haven't women always been funny? Do I need to cite evidence?

First of all, Maya Rudolph & Kristen Wiig have been funny for a longgg time. But let's also consider: Debra Messing, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, (both writers of things funny and probably the only good writers save Seth Meyers that SNL has seen in awhile), Ana Geyster, Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, Gilda Radner, Sarah Silverman, Chelsea Handler, Ellen DeGeneres, Margaret Cho, Whitney Cummings, Janeane Garofalo, Lisa Kudrow, Natasha Leggero, Mindy Kaling, Amy Sedaris... and the list goes on.

See also: countless women I know in real life who crack me up on a daily basis.

But no, you know what? You're right. Women aren't funny. So thank God for this movie.

Sarcasm aside, I loved it. The movie had some very real moments, in addition to being laugh out loud funny. Wiig was brilliant - especially in the scene on the plane with her Ethel Merman voice and prescription drug fueled crazy rant "It's called civil rights, this is the 90s!" - and in the sequence of silly things she does to try and get the hot Irish cop's attention "Hey who's driving that car?!" So if this movie serves as a notice to the people who have been living under a rock that women are indeed funny... then well, that's fantastic.

Stuff I thought while listening to my sister's mix CD

I just got off the road after about an hour's drive in my sister's car. She lets me drive her whip. It's pretty tight. 

While I have a good time driving, I also get my fill of music that I usually ignore-mainly female pop singers. I don't have anything against female pop singers but it's just not what I usually listen to.

Two songs stood out more than others: Taylor Swift's 'Dear John' and Ke$ha's 'Blow.'

'Hey, I'm going to write a song bashing you in a little while. Just a heads up.'

Dear John: So it turns out that John Mayer and Swift dated for a while and it ended up going all wrong.  I'll give you a moment to let this shock set in again. Seriously, who ends up dating this guy and thinking it's going to go well? At this point, if you're thinking about entering a serious relationship with John Mayer, you probably ought to save yourself the trouble, rent some chick flicks and down a pint of triple chocolate Häagen-Dazs and cry your eyes out.

Some people have called this song the country version of Tupac's 'Hit 'Em Up' but the comparison is completely unfounded. To even approach 'Hit 'Em Up' status, Taylor would have had to add at least 45 seconds of hate-filled yelling to the end, including like 20 seconds of unbridled rage where she mentions some kind of physical harm. It would need to go something like this:

"Oh yeah, John, I heard that you were trying to date Jennifer Anniston again. That's great. Go back to the desperate crowd. At this point in your shameful career, that's the only kinda woman you're going to be able to end up dating. When's the last time you came out with an album anyway? In five years, you're going to be trying to pick up bar floozies in Omaha while I'll be hitting the prime of my career. Don't call me for a loan.

IF I EVER SEE YOU HANGING AROUND ANOTHER OF MY CONCERTS IT'S GOING TO BE OVER WITH. MY .44 MAKES SURE ALL YOUR KIDS DON'T GROW (ok, I lifted that directly from Pac, but that was just for good measure)."

One of few internet pictures of Ke$ha with all her clothes on....hopefully.

 Blow: I have to salute Ke$ha. She's staying in her lane as far as her career goes because she's not as vocally talented as other pop stars in her genre. Her solution: staying trashy.

Ke$ha is the chick in high school that you could take under the bleachers at a JV basketball game for some heavy petting.

She can also make a little fun of herself. Take this mid-track exchange with James VanDerBeek for example:

Ke$ha: James VanDerDouche.

VanDerBeek: I don't appreciate you SlanderBeek-ing my last name, Ke-dollar sign-ha.

Well done, Ke$ha and Dawson. Well done.

Reality: the NBA fixes games

Paul Pierce's 'two techs in the fourth quarter' face.

So Paul Pierce got ejected from Game 1 of the East Semis for two technicals.

Both of those technicals came in the fourth quarter. The first came after Mike Miller got a flagrant foul against Pierce and there was some kind of face-butting incident (that's what it's being called on the dang Twitter and that reminds me of that South Park where Cartman can't laugh at anything anymore after seeing the people with butts on their faces). The second came two-ish minutes later when Pierce set a forceful screen on Dwyane Wade then said something to the ref. Probably not the smartest thing to say something to the ref, but it didn't look like he said anything too extreme to the ref. Good job by the ABC cameraman to stay way far out on Pierce so we couldn't see what he said. Really. Awesome job, guys.

Things like these two technical fouls are the kinds of things that...erm...just seem to happen in the NBA playoffs. These funny calls. The discrepancies in team fouls (last round, game 5 of the San Antonio-Memphis series, team fouls: San Antonio 18, Memphis 28 (at one point, it was 9-21....come on)).

Now, back to tonight's game: the ejection and the flagrant foul were clear signs to me that the powers that be wanted the Heat to take this game, and to do so in convincing fashion because in reality, this is THE series of the 2011 Playoffs. It just is.

But really, what makes for a better story than this game for garnering interest in the rest of the series? D. Wade dropped 38? Pierce got tossed?!?!?! Whoa, this series isn't going to be the one-sided stomping that it really ought to be after all! We've gotta watch game two!


I'm usually not a big proponent for accusing referees of pushing a series in favor of one team or another, but the NBA is an exception. Take this quote from former NBA referee Tim Donaghy in his book Blowing the Whistle from this article on Deadspin.

"In the pregame meeting prior to Game 6, the league office sent down word that certain calls — calls that would have benefitted the Lakers — were being missed by the referees. This was the type of not-so-subtle information that I and other referees were left to interpret. After receiving the dispatch, Bavetta openly talked about the fact that the league wanted a Game 7.

'If we give the benefit of the calls to the team that's down in the series, nobody's going to complain. The series will be even at three apiece, and then the better team can win Game 7,' Bavetta stated.

As history shows, Sacramento lost Game 6 in a wild come-from-behind thriller that saw the Lakers repeatedly sent to the foul line by the referees. For other NBA referees watching the game on television, it was a shameful performance by Bavetta's crew, one of the most poorly officiated games of all time."

I can't say for sure that a fix was on tonight, but it sure felt like it.

Reggie Bush is Soft

Only Kim Kardashian hits harder than Shelden Brown.

So yesterday's post ended up being completely bogus.

After I hit 'publish post' on this thing, I compressed two weeks' worth of draft studying into about three hours. I was like Mel Kiper Jr. lite. Or at least on all the positions that the Cowboys needed.

I ended up watching through pick 13ish and listening to the rest on Sirius. Here are some thoughts.

• Von Miller ugly cried when he got picked second. Somewhere, Ron Ron was giving him a slow clap.
• Cam Newton is excited to play for the Camolina Camthers. Cam!
• I thought the Falcons made a gangsta move until I realized how much they gave up to get Julio Jones. Ouch. The Browns could be building some stairs out of the AFC North basement.
• The Lions have the nastiest front line in football. Somewhere, Jay Cutler is already on crutches.
• I shouldn't be allowed to tweet during these things. The tweet that followed the Jake Locker pick at 8 was a little something like this: lololoolololololollolololololololoooololooololololololooool!!!!!
• Any time you can take the 45th best player in the draft at 12 (Christian Ponder to the Vikings), you just gotta do it.
• The Ravens committed a draft faux pas in passing on their pick. They still got their man but still. Awkwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

But I want to talk about Reggie Bush.

Last night, the Saints drafted Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram. The guy is just awesome and he was the best running back in the draft. Everyone makes the obvious comparison to Emmitt Smith (the number, the not quite top-end speed....we can only hope he has the complete lack of broadcasting prowess that Smith had) and I think Ingram could have a similar career, even though the days of a true one-back offense are over.

Bush acknowledged the pick with the following tweet: "It's been fun New Orleans."

This is why I've always hated Reggie Bush. He's not tough, mentally or physically. He's not going to run between the tackles. He's not going to stay in bounds and fight for more yards. He's not the guy you want to give the ball to late in the fourth quarter with the game on the line. He's a slot receiver that lines up in the backfield.

Instead of challenging Ingram for the running back spot, Bush gave it up faster than Kim Kardashian on the first date.

The Saints owe Bush almost $12 million dollars this next season. That's not happening.

At least they'll have a running back that can break tackles against NFL defenders now.

Tacklers like this one are the only ones that Bush could ever break free from anyway.

The Draft is Tonight? What?

One of the most hilarious things to keep an eye on during the NFL draft that isn't a Brady Quinn-esque slide or the Jets fans' reactions is the offensive linemen in suits. It's great. You don't have to be a body language specialist to tell how uncomfortable they are. They'd rather be sweaty and stinky in a cutoff t-shirt than in some hideous three-piece suit that took a square mile of cloth to make.

Raiders guard Robert Gallery on draft day....

.....and Gallery not on draft day.
This man should never have to wear a suit. Ever.

They're just not comfortable, hilariously so. And they shouldn't be: the profession they're about to enter requires them to be freaking huge and maul people regularly. Those guys don't wear suits.


I'm not so excited to watch the draft this year though.

It's not for a lack of huge, uncomfortable-looking dudes in suits (if only the NFL guys could have the horrible fashion sense of the NBA drafts. THAT would be entertainment).

I can't make myself care.

That really sucks because usually, I can't get enough of the draft. It's really like Christmas morning for your football team because the head coaches get all new presents to play with. This year's haul is going to suck for a few reasons:

1. Not having free agency between the end of the season and the draft handcuffed a few teams going into the draft. If there really isn't a difference-maker in the draft at a position of need, a team could address that need in free agency. You might see more teams addressing needs in the draft instead of taking the best available. That sucks! What about taking a flier on a wide receiver in the late rounds instead of drafting another backup lineman? Booooooooooooring.
2. I still hate the three-day draft format. The NFL fighting Thursday night TV is stupid. It's going to get slaughtered in the ratings tonight by the Office finale, tomorrow because of the royal wedding and on Saturday because it's the crap rounds of the draft and I'd rather be doing something else. (I wonder if Mel Kiper Jr. or one of the Beefeaters smiles first. I'll take the Beefeaters.)
3. Cam Newton is going first, which will guarantee Cam Newton a longer run on ESPN. Cam Newton will see even more coverage when Cam Newton has to give back the Heisman because Cam Newton took money, when Cam Newton doesn't get along with Cam Newton's players at training camp and when Cam Newton doesn't pan out as a pro. Cam Newton.

I'm going to tune in for a while for my team's pick, but that's it. It's really a shame considering what the draft used to be: two glorious days of sports mega-dorkery.

I'll go into my team a little bit. If you aren't interested, don't scroll past this unintentionally hilarious picture of Jerry Jones.

Jerruh has a little captain in him.

There are three big positions of need: right tackle, defensive end and safety. I'd say safety is the worst, but there's nobody there who really fits the bill at pick nine. We might try later but at that point, what's the difference in giving that guy a run and Akwasi Owusu-Ansah, the safety we drafted last year (I spelled that without looking it up. I should win something.). I don't think the Cowboys would sink that much money into a 3-4 defensive end unless that guy from Auburn slipped to us (this is how much I've prepared for the draft, I can't name a top 10 pick). I bet we go offensive tackle. That's a lot of money to sink into a right tackle as Free looks to have the left side locked up. If we take a corner, I'm breaking something because that's three first-round cornerbacks in the draft. That's awful. If Ras-I Dowling were to slip to us in the second round, I say go for it.

The 10th Level of Dorkdom: Fantasy Baseball

Fantasy dorks and basements go together like regular dorks and.....basements.

I'm in three fantasy baseball leagues this year. That's down from a max of five last year or the year before. I can't remember when it was, I just remember that I got a lot of weird looks when I told people how many leagues I was in. Add that to three fantasy football leagues, a postseason fantasy football league, a college football bowl pool and like two March Madness brackets. There were maybe 2 weeks in February when I wasn't in some sports-related competition. I spent those two weeks studying for fantasy baseball.

That was the height of my fantasy sports dorkdom. The sad thing is that I still kinda stink at it. I've averaged about 3 leagues in the past 4 or so years and I might have won one. Maybe.

I could get all sappy and say it's not all about the winning, that it's about drinking beers and talking baseball with a bunch of friends.

Fuck that. I want to win. And I'm ready to go to new highs of dorkdom to do it. (Highs? Lows? You get the point.)

I'm going to abide by the common courtesy rules here: no fantasy sports stories that last more than 30 seconds unless it's insanely rare.

I'm in fourth in one league after a rough start and in second in the one I really want to win, an auction league. I have two good, young pitchers that I bought for one dollar. I'm in a good spot.

Not as high-tech as the other fantasy dorks, but still dorky.

Is this a warning shot across the bows of the traditional FLS (Free Lance-Star, my former employer and workplace of fantasy savants) fantasy sports powers?

You bet. I'm gunning for you.

I'm coming for the fantasy dork crown.

Jersey Shore Gone "Wilde"

This was too funny not to share.

A Mash-up for Your Monday

CW: I stumbled across this on one of my favorite websites of all time called Fark. It's a link site that gives you all these different new stories with user-submitted headlines that are generally funny. It also has message boards for each news story so you can discuss and generally poke fun. Deena from the Jersey Shore would say it's a good time.

This is a mash-up of John Lennon's "Imagine" and Van Halen's "Jump". It fits squarely into the category of "wtf, this mash-up is never going to work" but it does in a funny way that you wouldn't see coming.

Enjoy.


Imagine-a-jump-john-lennon-vs.-van-halen by jackstanleywp

Bridesmaids

This movie is coming out in May. Looks to be a romantic (?) comedy about a wedding that might not suck - shocker! An anti-chick flick, in the best way. The Hangover for girls, perhaps? I'm in.

The Bachelor Recap: LB is disappointed, CW isn't surprised.

We should first note that CW did not in fact watch the show. His manliness is still intact as he was forced to take home work last night that begged his attention more than ABC's phoniness.

LB: Ever since I heard a rumor that Brad picks Chantal, I was rooting for her. I wish I hadn't heard it beacuse I definitely got attached...I like that she's not perfect, but seemed perfect for him.
CW: Hold the phone. You got attached to a contestant on the Bachelor? That's your first mistake.
LB: I did. My name is LB and I got attached to a Bachelor contestant.
CW: Hi LB.
CW: When did you hear this rumor? Please tell me you didn't hear this at the start and rooted for her from the very start, when there are like 30 women throwing themselves at this guy.
LB: Yes, I heard it before the first episode. But she's been doing well all season (obviously since she made it to the end). So I had reason to believe she'd make it. Seemed like Brad was taking the easy way by going with the most beautiful woman. It's the most obvious choice. It makes you wonder if she's really right for him, or if he just couldnt bring himself to not pick the prettiest girl. I liked Chantal, not because she was the most perfect girl on the show. She definitely wasn't. If I had to pick the most laid back girl she wouldn't have been it. She was the first one to tell Brad she loved him. She was sure of him from the get-go. She's at the right age and right time in her life to get married. She's 28 I think. Emily, on the other hand, seems desperate for a Dad for her daughter. She's only 24. They're 14 years apart. Before her last date wtih Brad she said she hoped this would be her last day as a single girl...Uhh ok, but shouldn't your focus be on the guy, not on being coupeld rather than single?
CW: So wait a minute, you're telling me that this guy picked a younger, hotter girl? I'm shocked.
LB: Gag. Way to be a predictable male. Really showing your character there, bro.
CW: I think you should be happy that your girl didn't get picked. He's the Bachelor, not Characters R' Us. I think that it's just complete madness to have this show set up the way it is. You have 25 steamy women just absolutely throwing it at one guy. He's in paradise.
LB: And he's not allowed to tell them he loves them. Because that's completely fair. I think a more realistic show would involve equal numbers of men and women. Technically that show exists, it's called Bachelor Pad.
But it's more of a dramariffic sex romp than a realistic search for love.
CW: That just sounds like it'd be fightland.
LB: Exactly.
CW: YOU SLEPT WITH THE SAME GIRL THAT I SLEPT WITH, BRO??? Aaaaaand fight!
LB: I LIKED HIM FIRST UGHHH!
CW: But seriously, be glad for your girl Chantal
LB: I am, ultimately. Apparently she's got a smokin' hot new dude. Who hasn't sold his balls to ABC. So that's a plus.
CW: Having balls is a plus. But be glad for Chantal that she isn't the wife of 'The Bachelor.' First off, your whole dating experience is documented on TV for everyone to watch. There are things there you probably don't want posterity to see. There's also a degree of separation from the show that comes with being that last one. She can swear the whole thing off and have her hands clean because she got burned. Plus, unlike Brad and Blondie, Chantal will have the chance to fade from the spotlight. Blondie, on the other hand, will have her love to her broadcasted beau scrutinized at every turn. That's just not really pleasant. I think that's the biggest problem that I have with this show: the way it's set up, I think that any resulting relationship stands a good chance of crashing and burning.
LB: Agreed.

The Bachelor - Emily vs. Chantal

Emily vs. Chantal

Tonight is the finale of The Bachelor. CW has never watched the show, but I have watched the whole season (for some reason.) So we decided he should watch it for the first time tonight. That way our recap will have two very different sides.

I can't defend my desire to watch the Bachelor - I am fully aware that it is junk TV at it's finest, and of course I don't believe that TV is the best way to find love. The concept that a house full of 20+ women would all coincidentally want the same man before even meeting him is bogus but I still find it entertaining.

This is like a sport for girls (and some guys I know who shall remain nameless) - predicting who will make it in to the top eight, the final 4, and of course the "winner." Right before the season started, I heard a radio show interview with this season's bachelor, Brad Womack. The host said he'd heard that Brad had chosen Chantal - who is in the Final Two.

Chantal's competitor (I'm going to keep using sports terms to point out the ludicrousness of all of this) is sweet, perfect Emily, who as one girl said "is like Mother Theresa." The girl doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She may be too perfect for a clearly flawed Brad. I have a hard time imagining a relationship between them because when they're shown together, he spends most of his time just being ga-ga over her. They don't talk about much and don't seem to have true chemistry. Brad just realizes that this may be the most beautiful woman he'll ever have a chance to be with, and being a man, he can't help but go for it.

Marriage is the end goal here, though - not "find the prettiest woman and get her." If we're going to go with the best long-term person, Chantal may be the best bet. She is imperfect. She's divorced. She's pretty, but not model pretty. She's got a great bod - but she's definitely not a skinny minny. And to top it off she and Brad have obvious chemistry. She's the Every Woman, if there is such a thing in this scenario.

So, will it be Miss Perfect or the Every Woman? My money is still on Chantal. And I'll stop defending my desire to watch this show now and say that I will undoubtedly be in suspense until the last inconveniently timed commercial.

I'm Ready for No NFL Season

There's a certain difficulty that comes along with buying a sports jersey.

You want to find just the right one; one that not too many people have, but a jersey that people will see and recognize that player as a good one. You want someone who is under contract for a while, so you don't have to run out and buy another one. You want a jersey of someone who is going to play hard.

I had picked Dallas' Jay Ratliff. He fits all the parameters. I was pumped to get his jersey.

It looks like I'll be waiting at least a year to buy that jersey now. As it stands , I really don't think there's going to be an NFL season.

NFL owners want the players to give up $800 million annually because the league is operating an unsustainable business model. The players don't want to play 18 games and they want better benefits after they're done playing football.

The current deadline for a new deal is today. There has to be some kind of progress by this evening, whether it's an extension to the deadline, a new collective bargaining agreement or decertification of the players union, which allow players to sue their teams as individuals and effectively cancel the 2011 NFL season.

Instead of growing closer, the two sides are growing further apart according to this article.

It's all phony. The owners want more money than what they're already making, which is ridiculous. They've already denied making their books public (except the Green Bay Packers, who have always made their books public) which makes me think that there's some shady stuff going on in those books. Major League Baseball teams opened up their books and there was some shady business going on according to the Washington Post.

After money comes player safety, both in the league and in these discussions. Despite Roger Goodell's attempt to make the league safer--while also pushing for more games, which mean more chances for a player to get injured--the average number of injuries per team per game went up from 3.2 in 2009 to 3.7 in 2010. In any other year, that number might not be as significant. Still, Goodell was pushing to make the league safer but ultimately made it more dangerous. Also, if those numbers stand true, you're going to have seven more player injuries if the league goes to 18 games. That's a significant point of contention because if players are going to subject themselves to more injuries, they're going to demand more money for their increased health risk and they're going to demand better benefits after they leave the NFL.

There's just no risk for the owners right now. They signed an absurd TV deal that guarantees them $4 billion for the 2011 season even if game one isn't played. That could potentially cripple FOX, CBS, ESPN, NBC and any other network that depends on the NFL for its viewership. Vegas is going to take a major hit and websites will lose thousands and thousands of site views.

Either the owners realize that they're going to make a little less money in this whole thing and sign a new collective bargaining agreement or the 2011 NFL season isn't going to happen.

That's why my Jay Ratliff jersey will probably have to wait. I'm not wearing a Jay Ratliff jersey when there's no NFL season.

Who the Hell is This Movie For?

Have you ever seen any of the Ice Age movies?

I own the first two. I couldn't tell you where they are, but at one point I had them.

I can tell you for sure that I had them at college because they got borrowed a bit. They were fairly popular movies: they made their rounds among my friends at a fair clip. Whenever they returned, they'd come with a compliment like "man, I love that squirrel just trying to get his nut" (which was immediately followed with laughter) or "haven't seen that one in forever and it's still funny."

The truth is I could watch the movie today and I'd laugh. It's just funny. That squirrel, Scrat, is just funny to me. Whoever animated that little sucker has some talent. Anybody who can be funny--really funny--without using words is hustling. That's hard work.

This weekend, I got the chance to go see Rango, the new movie starring--which begs the 'how does one star in an animated movie' question--Johnny Depp, and I left wondering: was that really a kid's movie?

First off, look at the lizard himself. That is one butt-ugly lizard, far fetched from a cute little Woody (get your mind out of the gutter) or any other star of a popular kids movie. That lizard isn't supposed to be made into an action figure. That lizard is supposed to be a character--with flaws. Butt-ugly flaws.

What clenches it for me as an adults-first movie is the language. Within four or five minutes, Rango is talking about a moment where the protagonist needs to be thrust into something or other. When I was six, I didn't know what a protagonist was. I still have problems. Fucking anti-heroes. The script is littered with language that would fly over a six-year old's head.

One even managed to get over my head. In the desert, Rango comes across a man who looks like Clint Eastwood, has awards like Clint Eastwood and was voiced by Clint Eastwood. Rango asks Eastwood, "Am I in heaven?" Eastwood replies: "If I'm not eating pop tarts with Kim Novak, this ain't heaven."

I didn't need to know who Kim Novak was to know that was funny. A quick Google Image Search let me know that she was a pin-up model from when there were pin-up models. Clint has good taste in women. And in food too. MMMMMM pop tarts!

Let me say this about Rango: many have tried to make a kids movie with adult audiences in mind. Kids will laugh at anything. They're an easy audience and butts will be in seats at anything less than PG-13. Rango is the first movie to go the other direction: squeeze an adult script into a kids movie. They succeeded.

We Have This Blog for a Real Reason: LB Lives in my Brain

So I was brainstorming with LB today about what I could write about. I informed her that while I was working, I was listening to a soccer game in Prague on my smart phone. LB told me to write about that and I started to explain it more.

Then, a funny thing happened.

What follows is real life from gchat.

LB: On the radio? That's so retro

CW: On the internet on my phone, but it's commentary.

LB: Haha, not so retro. Nouveau retro.
CW: (half a moment later) Nouveau retro.....Oh God.

LB: SHUT THE HELL UP.

It's stuff like this that completely validates this blog to me.

Actually, what really validates having this blog for me is that stuff like this not an especially rare occurrence for us. I have to tell LB at least once a week to get out of my brain because she'll complete a sentence of mine or say exactly what I was thinking.

She's like a tapeworm in my brain.

She's a brainworm.

But, like any good bloggers, we've stored 'nouveau retro' away for a rainy day. We'll try to dream up a few things that would fit that bill that wouldn't be too hipster-ish.

At any rate, keep an eye out for us tomorrow. We're watching some serious Jersey Shore tonight and we'll have our CPRs--Cast Performance Reviews.

Happy Jersday everybody!

Pandora Wars: A New Hope

LB: The Pandora war seemed like a good idea in theory, but it didn't take long for me to get the sinking feeling that I was having a Bad Pandora Day. You know you've all had them - where you keep hitting "thumbs down" in total frustration. You want to say "Station, I thought you knew me, but it's clear we need to spend a lot more time together." I felt like I had a new puppy who I had taught lots of cool tricks to, but once we had guests over, he just sat there with a big grin on his face. Damn you, puppy! 

Alas, I'm at least somewhat happy with the list. Glad that Arcade Fire is first, since after their Grammy performance last week there was so much talk on Twitter, etc. from people who had never heard of them. Really, America? You know Justin Bieber, but not Arcade Fire? Sigh. Not my favorite song from them, but glad they are representing. 

Other mainstays that made it into the list: Wilco, Allman Bros & Ray (always). Not too shabby, but I'm concerned...

1. Arcade Fire–No Cars Go

2. The Postal Service – We Will Become Silhouettes

3. Wilco – Either Way

4. Allman Brothers Band – One Way Out

5. Devotchka– We're Gonna Make It

6. Yeah Yeah Yeahs –Runaway

7. Feist – Mushaboom

8. Johnny Cash – I Walk the Line (Live)

9. Ray Lamontagne – Empty

10. Regina Spektor – Hotel Song

11. Kid Cudi – Pursuit of Happiness

12. Vampire Weekend –Run

13. The Shins– Sea Legs

CW: Uh, that's it?

LB: You aren’t impressed? I do feel like we went for different genres.

 CW: I'm totally underwhelmed. I could write three lists from mine that would work this list EVEN THOUGH you included three extra songs.

LB: I feel like 10 is SUPER short to represent a whole day of Pandora

CW: I'll let that fly because I feel sad for you.

LB: Plus for me, it’s sort of like when two B-list celebrities date, they become A-list material

CW: I don't follow and I disagree. Mine is gold. Wanna see what the hubbub is all about?

LB: Ugh. I guess so.

CW: First off, I'd like to say that this list is a result of hours of thumbs upping, thumbs downing and much toil with furrowed brow.

It started with two words that usually get you nowhere when you're looking for music: "The Band." It started with a little bit of Southern Rock, some Classic Rock. You know, the jams. But I sculpted it into an enigmatic, eclectic tour de force.

Hold on to your undies, this might get funky.

1. Jimi Hendrix– Like a Rolling Stone (Live at Monterey)
2. The Band & Bob Dylan– Knockin' On Heaven's Door (Live)
3. Neil Young– Old Man (Acoustic, Live)
4. Johnny Cash & June Carter-Cash– Jackson
5. The Kinks– Lola (Live)
6. Ray Charles– Georgia on my Mind
7. Joe Cocker– Something (Live)
8. Otis Redding– My Girl
9. John Lennon– Imagine
10. The Allman Brothers Band– Midnight Rider

Just in case you're curious, I could have put up three different lists–a studio song list, a live song list and a British band song list–that would have demolished your list.

LB:  Well, I just don't think the lists are comparable. Seeing yours I don't feel as bad because they’re just totally different genres. It’s comparing apples and oranges.

CW:  Better, different…po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

LB:  I just gave up on Pandora after yesterday and a little today and have moved to Grooveshark, where every song is thoughtfully picked by yours truly.

CW:  My Pandora could wipe the floor-a with your Pandora.

LB:  I am a much better music aggregator than the robot algorithm that operates Pandora, so today is Grooveshark. I also feel like we can't compare stations

CW:  Well, when you put it out there that you have the best Pandora station going, you kind of are.

LB:  Well, yeah, But we have different taste.

CW:  For true. Agree to disagree?

LB: When in Rome….?

LB's 5 Current Girl Crushes

Rachel McAdams is one of the few actresses who can get me to go to any movie she's in, even if it looks crappy. Gorgeous and talented? Yes. But I also think she just has an irresistible girl-next-door quality. I can't wait to see what project she does next.

Rashida Jones - any girl who can pull off being gorgeous and funny all at the same time wins girl crush status from me. Rashida does that so well - from her stint on The Office, to her work on Will Ferrell's Funny or Die site, to I Love You Man and Parks & Rec, she makes me laugh no matter what she does. 

Nicki Minaj is a Grade A Badass. When I first heard her rap on the radio I was blown away by her talent. Having listened to more of her music and learned more about her story - I was inspired by how much she's overcome to be where she is now. Her predecessor, Lil' Kim has been throwing jabs at her, trying to start a media war, but Nicki's response?  "The same way [Lil' Kim] opened doors for me, I’m opening doors for her. Nobody was playin your music and you damn sure couldn’t get an interview. You getting interviews [now] and every time you do interviews they’re asking you about Nicki. So it’s like we help each other. I respect you, I love you, I’ve said it in every interview time and time again. And if that’s not good enough with you, mama, then it’s something deep-rooted in you. It’s not Nicki Minaj." 

Anne Hathaway can do no wrong in my book. I have been a fan since Princess Diaries, and was so proud to see her win acclaim for her role in Rachel Getting Married last year. Girlfriend's got talent, range, and seems incredibly down to earth despite all her success. She seems like the type you'd want to be besties with.

Funny, bold, and unapologetic about herself, Chelsea Handler has definitely won her way into my heart. I watch her show & have read some of her books which are hilarious. Her sense of humor is unique and biting, and I dig it. But I also love how she makes no bones about the fact that she isn't interested in marraige and enjoys having a good time. I would love to party with this lady.

The Brick Phone I Carry In My Pocket

CW: It hasn't been since my senior year in high school that I really had a cool phone.

I had this weird little Samsung deal that was about the size of a chicken nugget and it slid up to answer and dial. It was the coolest thing ever. It fit right into my pocket and I barely even knew it was there.

Everyone would come look at it and would do a double take--"whoa, how is that a phone?"
I can't lie. That was a major selling point for me. The 'wow' factor has always been important to me. It's not about being better than someone or anything. It was just about having something cool, something I liked playing with.

So, a few weeks back, I went ahead and got myself another phone that kinda had that same 'wow' factor. It's the HTC EVO 4G, one of a few phones that can boast the nation's fastest 4G service that I have no clue is any different from the 3G. My sister's friend has a friend that says the 4G network and branding is totally bogus. All I know is I was in DC the other weekend, had the 4G service and it was fucking amazing. Faster than a speeding bullet, it was.

While that was cool and whatnot, and the plan was absurdly easy, I got the phone for other reasons.

First, the thing is as big as a brick and it's all screen on the front. I could watch it as a TV. It's amazing. There are times that I wish I had my old Samsung phone--one of my friends called it the Egg Phone which was totally inaccurate: it was smaller than an egg.

Secondly, I got it for the kickstand.

I can hear you know. You're all like "whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"
Yeah. It has a kickstand. It's totally not important in terms of how the phone works--I think it's neat to stand it up on my desk when I'm listening to Pandora or when I have it on my nightstand as an alarm clock--but it's important in that 'wow' factor. I'm carrying a mini-television/radio/computer in my trousers (if you get that reference, you win a dollar) that is so big, it requires a kickstand for viewing purposes.

Silly? Yes. But it sold me.

That being said, I think it's funny that phones are getting bigger. Or is it that computers are getting smaller and you can make phone calls from them? I have veritable cinderblock in my pocket that plays radio, checks my e-mail, can surf the internets, post on Facebook and Twitter at the same time and makes calls. And if I ever get into a tough spot in the wrong neighborhood, I could use it as a personal defense device by spiking it off of someone's melon.

My brick phone/TV/radio/computer/Facebooker/Twitterer should leave one hell of a dent.

Jersey Shore - who won this week's episode?

RonRon's endorsement deal with Xenadrine...probably over now.

Jersday is definitely our favorite day of the week, so naturally we feel the need to recap the events of our favorite trainwreck television "family." I'll cover the girls best moments, Carden will take the guys. Then we'll determine who "won" the episode and who lost. This week we saw still more unbearable fighting between Sam and Ron, but thankfully for our sanity, it appears to be coming to a close. Most of the cast unfortunately gets overshadowed by the domestic violence, and Situation questions Ron's adherence to "General Human Code." What about it indeed, Sitch.

The Girls

Sam: 5

I'll start with the worst. I mean really, the SamRon thing is so played out. Sam picking at the scab that is their relationship has gotten so tired, I can't watch it anymore. She earns points for realizing her relationship is "unhealthy," though, and making the right move in leaving the show. Her best moment, though was an unintentionally funny one when, in her fatigue over their constant fighting she proclaimed "I still love the dick." (Referring to Ron, we think...)

Snooki: 8

My favorite meatball didn't get nearly as much air time as she deserves, but like a good reality TV star, she made the most of what she was given. When she calls out the random guy at Beachcombers for having super tight shorts, it's pretty funny. You could see "the shaping of his wiener," says Snooki. Also her boobs looked amazing when they were about to go out. For both of these moments, Snooks gets a solid score of 8.

Deena: 6

Girlfriend had her best moment when she held Sam's hand outside at the picnic table. Sam hasn't done much to earn any love or respect from Deena - yet she gets it anyway. Way to be a good/sweet room mate D. 

JWOWW: 7

Our favorite bearer of fake boobs also didn't get a lot of air time. However, the prancing out in the leather outfit was a definite "win" moment. As Carden said in a text to me "She just earned the second 'w' in her name." 

The Guys

Sitch: 8.5
I can't really recall many better shows for Sitch. He broke his own character mold by a) saying he was sorry to Ron for breaking guy code (if Sitch hadn't broken guy code, he'd be a nine), b) knowing when to get Ron out of the club when Sammi was dancing with another dude and c) being there for Ron when he ugly cried for the 10th time.

Pauly D, Vinny: 6
There really wasn't much going on for these two. Highlights included Pauly hitting his shoes with some 409, Vinny swearing that Ron and Sam were "going to bang soon" and Snooki making an analogy (yesterday was a day for the record books, ladies and gentlemen: Snooki made an analogy) between her not being able to get Sam's too big bed out of the door and not being able to fit Vinny's unit in her "pinhole." Not really anything to write home about, just solid showings.

Ronnie: 1
This is how serious Ronnie's problems are right now: a bleeding backdoor from last week's episode is probably the least of his worries. This dude has some problems. He wanted to fight Sitch for a minute and somehow made Stich look like the bigger man in the argument. That's probably his least bad moment from the show last night because after that, it was all Sam-related. I think it was when Ronnie was trying to move Sam's bed with her on it when I stopped wanting to see them break up so Single Ron could go have fun and started wanting to see Sam not get seriously hurt. Then he broke a bunch of her stuff, ugly cried, yelled at her some more, fessed up to cheating on her in Miami, cried some more, broke more stuff, tried to convince her to stay and ugly cried again. Ron Ron Juice is in a glass case of emotion....and Xenadrine (I really can't get enough of those commercials). It looks like he's going home soon, too, even though we don't see the forlorn Ron looking out of a taxi shot in next week's preview like we did last week with Sam's departure. 

So the loser is clearly Ron for obvious reasons. Situation wins this week for strengthening his position as the house's unlikely voice of reason and sanity. 

Photo credit: MTV.com

Girls in pink jerseys, and other pet peeves

Jessica Simpson reminding us what not to do. 

LB: When you're a girl who either doesn't love sports, or just isn't a superfan, I think there's a right and a wrong way to approach sporting events. While I don't follow it religiously, baseball has always been my favorite sport. I've never completely gotten into football. In recent years I've come around quite a bit, though, thanks in large part to one of my best friends Joy. She's a huge Cowboys fan and has the patience to teach me what a two-point conversion and pass interference are. Nonetheless, I don't try to pretend to know or care more about the game than I actually do, because I think eventually that'll bite you in the ass. 

Worse than pretending to like football or any other sport to impress guys, is to try and distract them from the game with a cute "outfit." I was watching E! News with Joy the day before the Superbowl when a segment about Superbowl "fashion" came on. We both watched and laughed as models with girlified "jerseys" and high heels came up on the TV screen. Ick. Joy weighed in and said that she actually doesn't mind pink jerseys, but "just can’t stand it when you can tell a girl tried to do a cute “sporty” look just because she went with her guy to a game that she could care less about."

In my humble opinion, the safest thing to do when watching a game is to know the team you want to root for and maybe wear that team's colors, and ask questions during down times - these can be hard to determine when you aren't familiar with the sport, though.

CW: How about I lay out some ground rules, then.

1. This might seem trivial to you. It isn't to us. Just get over that already. If you can't accept that, you either have to find a guy who doesn't like sports or just get a lot of cats. This is your Grey's Anatomy or your Sex and the City. Most males accept this about you and don't want to bug you while it's on.

2. If you have a question while we're going nuts cheering or we look so depressed that you're temped to take our belts and shoelaces, just save it. If we're cheering and you ask your question, you're going to make us stop celebrating to explain what a first down is for the 50th time and why that means something with my team up one point with less than two minutes left in the fourth quarter. You just brought my good time to a screeching halt. It'd be like me asking why the hell you need another designer purse after you bought it 75% off: total buzzkill. Likewise, if you have a question after a play that obviously didn't go our way and we're sulking, asking us about it is going to make us relive it and push us that much closer to the edge. You can always save the question. Trust me.

3. If you do manage to save the question, there are perfectly acceptable times that you can ask us stuff. If it's a short question, just ask us when play stops. Since you started on football, lets stick with that. If you think the question is fairly short and simple, just ask us between plays. Quick fix. Easy. If it's a more complicated question, wait until a commercial break. In the NFL, they're never going to be too far off. If you can manage, wait until the end of a quarter or halftime. Just let us know that you have a question. You'll really get major points with us if you say that "I have a question, but I'll wait until the next stoppage to ask you." To us, that's just about equal to us getting you flowers. It shows you really care.

If you really, really want to learn football from your feller, ask him to watch a preseason game with you. Those four games before the ones that actually mean anything are great because in the grand scheme of things, they mean nothing. You can ask all the questions you want. And you will earn more brownie points too.